Lost Lady
January 29, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Hello to All of you and thanks for your comments and information. It is so helpful to read about what others are going through. I am still trying, after decades and decades, to understand what happened to me. I guess I would like to know if my brain was damaged from birth, or the head injury at age 11, or was my brian changed by all the stress of my family life, molestation by a neighbor, incest, depressed parents, bipolar brother, being gang-raped and beaten at a young age and then having my folks dislike me and blame me for stuff that happened to me and to them. Then, I spent years in a Girl’s Institution that was VERY scary for me. And, of course, all that (and more) was compounded by the confusion of not being accepted by others that I tried to be friends with. (Except the guys, of course, —I was such an easy target. I suppose it was obvious that I was “damaged goods” and would believe any lie that I thought might get me some affection, —and PROTECTION.)
So, I have muddled through this rather long life and usually figured out how to cover up and do “the Look-Good.” But, not being myself, –not being able to tell the truth, has cost a lot. Of course, I was stupid about it for a long time, and didn’t let people get to know me much before testing the waters. But when I accepted Christ as Savior a long time ago I thought church would be a safe place to be myself. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch! I kept thinking I just had not found a real Christian group yet, and I looked, and looked, and joined a Christian Cult (When the leader died they expected him to be raised after 3 days. Whoooo, boy!) Then, I took my two little kids to a Christian commune, where they both got molested, –One by the guy in charge. And to show I’m not quite right, I guess, I am still wanting for God to arrange that somebody from there would apologize to me for their sin and stupidity. Sometimes, I just don’t know how to believe in God. That commune was kind of the closest I came to a family.
I know I have such a ways to go, if I live that long. I am in counseling, AGAIN, for about the 15th time, with a Christian guy who has experienced severe grief in his own life. And I found an odd, old Psychiatrist, who listened when I told him how EXTREMELY sensitive to meds I am. (I have tried just about all of them, for depression and anxiety, and then I have to find something to keep me from ramping up and not sleeping. YES, I have asked many docs over and over again if I could be bi-polar and the answer has always been no.)
Anyway, this guy has put me one an interesting dose: smash us two 10 mg. Prozac and add to a quart of some acid-based liquid, such as apple juice , and take ONE TEASPOON per day. I wonder if he is conning me and if I tell him it has helped he will just write me off. Well, it did seem to help me from sliding down into the Black Hole, but after 6 weeks or so I could feel the bad stuff coming on, so I added some L-Tryptophan, 500 mg., broken in 2 or 3 pieces and took one piece every day or so. It kept me from going under, I think. I’ve been feeling more and more that the Self I’ve kept hidden for all these decades is trying to escape to the open and I’m saying some things that are making other people uncomfortable, like, “Excuse me, I’ve been at this job for 10 years and you are not giving me the same raise everyone else got?” (They’ve tolerated my slight oddness all this time, I think, because I come when needed.) Now, I just want to get on—-get on with whatever! God just couldn’t have put me here to suffer and question and hide. I don’t even have the “Look Good” anymore ’cause I’m too dang old! Ha! Serves me right. I depended on that way too long. Now, I just want to be real. I just want to really know that God cares, –that it’s not too late for me to be ME, whatever that is. Hey, I’ve never said so much in one place in my life, except in counseling, so I hope somebody just can say, “Hey, I heard ya,” or “Keep Asking, Seeking, Knocking and even if there is no answer this side of Heaven you will end up with a good Relationship with the Best Man in the whole universe.” One really good days, I believe and perceive that to be the Truth, but on bad days, and there are too many, I am so tired that I just want to be done. Sounds like there are a lot of you out there that feel that way. I wish I could just bust out with a smile and show up at Salvation Army dining room and say, “Here I am, all ready to help! I got an MI, but I promise not to let it spill over here.” Well, that just ain’t happening. So, do I need another med to make me calm enough, (or zoned enough) to volunteer or try to get involved in church? I don’t even want to go there right now. Thanks for listening….
Lost ( and trying to find )Lady.
Reply
Richard
January 29, 2011 at 11:35 pm
I hear you. I had a breakdown in my last year of university back in 1978 and have been on and off medications ever since. I took myself off cymbalta last month, with my doctors awareness and agreement, and have since received a great healing. While I agree that meds are often necessary, they often only mask symptoms and can act to prevent us from dealing with underlying issues, whether physical, psychological or spiritual. But my truly deep healing came through the ministry of a Family Foundations Ancient Paths seminar which I took last weekend near Collingwood, Ontario. I’ve also struggled for many years to understand what happened to me and whether the Christian church contributed to my problems or aided in my healing. The seminars really do help sort some of these things out, explaining that negative consequences always result from our disobedience toward God. See Jeremiah ch 6, verses 13-16. I’ve concluded it was a bit of both. I felt as though the church had led me up a slippery hill to Jesus and left me three feet short, deserting me for a time when I went to the Psych hospital. I was free to sing hymns in the hospital hallways and received some teaching on Holy Spirit in the 80s. I went from valley to mountaintop to valley to mountaintop to valley to mountaintop to valley …etc. I spent a total of seven and a half months in hospital followed by a year and a half in ‘Rehab’ all the time attending church as I was able. I went for training and got work as a layman looking after seniors and am currently working with marginalised men in Toronto. It bothers me that we are still not given sufficient time to tell our stories in our Christian communities but it’s important to keep asking and take whatever opportunities for talking or helping come up. Ancient Paths seminars worked, for me, because there’s a powerful combination of teaching and small group ministry done by trained, compassionate, spiritually prepared and empowered individuals in a two or three day retreat setting. Also in Toronto this week I attended portions of a 24 hour soaking worship session which God had orchestrated for just the right time for me. Church is strange. Preaching can be sound and encouraging but the next day it seems the application of what we hear is optional or in fact completely forgotten. My struggle has been particularly concerned with music and praise. I was always into math and physics. The Bible places importance on the person but the church makes man’s creation more important than he is. Look at how singers, even choirs, are not often really allowed to lead worship. Everything is ruled by the musical instruments, yes even when the instrumentalist is at work. Vocalists, indeed all Christians, must reclaim their duty to speak in their churches and to sing their own songs. James said that any who are merry should be allowed to sing praises to God and that those who are sick should call for elders to come and pray for their health. When we are not allowed to testify to God’s grace even when we are well, frustration must result. Call your leaders to account. It’s not a matter of rights but rather the health of the whole community for when one suffers all suffer. We have seen too often how this truth has consequences through the evil acts of disturbed individuals in various parts of the earth. Take courage; be bold; don’t wait to be asked or invited to do what you know God wants you to do, whatever that might be as long as its in line with the highest purposes revealed in the Scriptures. Most importantly ask God yourself for your healing and get someone you trust to agree with you in prayer. God is good and faithful and WILL give you the desire of your heart as you delight in Him, whether you’re passing through trials or joys. Seek the ancient paths; seek the Lord’s blessing and don’t give up until you get it. Perseverance does build character. Hallelujah !
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